FishTales

FOR THE DUCK HUNTERS!

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

On her book tour, Sarah Palin is invited to meet with the Pope while he is vacationing north of Rome in Venice. The liberal press reluctantly watches the semi-private audience, hoping they will be able to allot minimal coverage, if any.

The Pope asks Governor Palin to join him on a Gondola ride through the canals of Venice. They're admiring the sights and agreeing on moral issues when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. The gondolier starts to reach for the Pontiff's cap with his pole, but this move threatens to overturn the floating craft. Sarah waves the tour guide off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry." She steps off the gondola onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Pope's hat, bends over and picks it up. She walks back across the water to the gondola and steps aboard. She hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence. The next morning the topic of conversation among Democrats in Congress, CBS News, NBC News, ABC News, CNN, the New York Times, Hollywood celebrities, and in France and Germany is: "Palin Can't Swim."

EXTREME TAXIDERMY.

If you have wondered whether or not Cap marches to the tune of a "different drummer", this very true little story should assure you that you were right to wonder, and that yes indeed, he in fact does.

In my home there hangs a total of seven taxidermist mounts of large, handsome, trophy size fresh water fish; Walleyes, Northern, Splake, and Small Mouth Bass. All caught out of Dogtooth Lake. (More mounts out in the barn.) Besides those seven, there are two other fishing mounts hanging in my house; one is 47 inches long and the other is 54 inches long. Nice sizes, huh?

But those two are not of the edible kind. Both of them are very old, very distressed, and unusual fish-like in appearance that I snagged and brought boatside while deep water fishing for Walleyes. Caught 'em about three years apart, brought them home, let them dry out over the winter in my workshop. Then wire brushed them, wiped them clean, and put several coats of spray sealer on them.

Wrote a descriptive plate of where on Dogtooth Lake that I caught them, along with other pertinent details of the two fine catches. Rigged them for display hanging--one now hangs above the door in my study, the other hangs suspended from the ceiling in the guest bedroom. Both caught on 8# test line using a #8 Kahle hook, both out of deep water. Each of the rascals, because of their shape and where they were hooked, and how they moved, had me fooled on the way up thinking that I had a monster fish as I 'played' them carefully lest they broke the line or pulled the hook.

And so I now ask you: Where is it written that the only thing you should mount must be a living fish? I say that mounting a true 'experience' is right up there with mounting just one more big fish, of which I already have too many. So put your wee tiny drum of conformity down, while I prance around to one that is louder and more meaningful. (At least to me!)

Yes, these two monsters are what is left of a large tree after what has to be decades of decomposition laying in deep areas of a truly cold water lake. They may at one time been driftwood, but when hauled to the surface the rotten wood was so water logged and fragile that they weighed twice their normal weight!

CAP

YOU SCRATCH YOUR HEAD AND WONDER.

She likes stark white empty walls. To me walls empty of pics, books, knick-knacks and fish mounts are a terrible waste of space.

She snores. I listen.

I drink beer. She calls me a beer-a-holic as she slugs down wine.

She loves snow. I consider it a curse of nature.

I adore big band music. She can't stand it and blasts rock.

To me, fishing is what it is all about. In her silly mind it is dirt-dobbing in a garden.

Rare dead cow and a baked potato makes a choice meal. She runs for soy beans and salads when a steak goes on the BBQ.

She simply adores her 4 x 4 Ranger. I prefer my Le Sabre sedan.

She is a computer guru. I am a computer klutz.

I am a bit of a math whiz. She is never quite sure if 2 plus 2 equals 3 or 5.

She breaks things. I fix things.

Now any reasonable person would about now start to wonder "What has held these two people together in a close 24/7 monogamous relationship for going onto 30 years. That makes no sense!" Well, I will put their mind at ease so that they can go find something more important to occupy their time. (I suggest a few cold ones, can't miss with them.) There is a four-letter word that is way too often used and misused by folks who haven't got a clue what it really means. We found out the true meaning of it a long time ago. The word is LOVE.

As in TRUE LOVE. (Now go pop a cold one!)
CAP

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

WOW!

Today our temp zoomed way up to PLUS FOUR degrees from the -23 that kicked off the day! Oh bless and thank you Al Gore for sending all this Global Warming our way! Where can we rush out to buy several copies of your latest wondrous book, that just MUST be full of other truths we so desperately need to know about?

And I do want to thank you Al, for inventing the internet. Without it how would I ever be able to send around the below picture of this coyote prowling our driveway this morning? (You are such a wonderful person to have come up with this internet idea!)

Oh, and in closing. Is there any truth that they have cut off the electricity to your mansion because of overuse? Or that your unemployment checks have run out? If so, am sure that the nearest Pawn Shop would advance you maybe a few dollars on your private jet, seeing as how the EPA prohibited you from buying any more fuel for it. That was so unfair of them, you were only using a few hundred gallons of fuel per week.

Finally, a thought that might help you continue to build your popularity. In downtown Grantsburg we have a new restaurant that has been opened by some nice Arabs that they call the Shortaban. (Catchy name, they might go far.) They are looking for a tall strong man like you to walk up and down our Main street wearing a sandwich board that advertises the restaurant. Am sure they would let you put a small ad to sell your books at the bottom of each side. (I mention that because I understand only two of your books have sold since the big whoop-de-do in Scandinavia.)

Do let me know on that, and include a couple 8 x 10 photos of yourself. The boys down at the Rainbow bar say they need a new target for the dart board. The one of Jimmy Carter is all in tatters.

Cap'n Dee

Great Orators of the Democrat Party

'One man with courage makes a majority.' - Andrew Jackson

'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.' - Franklin D. Roosevelt

'The buck stops here.' - Harry S. Truman

'Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.'
- John F. Kennedy

And, from today's genius Democrats...

'It depends what your definition of 'Sex' is?'' - Bill Clinton

'That Obama... I would like to cut his NUTS off.' - Jesse Jackson

'Those rumors are false... I believe in the sanctity of marriage.' - John Edwards

'I invented the Internet' - Al Gore

'The next Person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their butt' - Joe Biden

'America is.... is no longer, uh, what it... it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was... uh, and I say to myself, 'uh, I don't want that future, uh, uh for my children.' - Barack Obama

'I have campaigned in all 57 states. - Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)

'You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats.' - Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)

'Paying taxes is voluntary.' - Sen. Harry Reid

'Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he.' - Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)

HOW LUCKY CAN WE BE TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR ONCE GREAT COUNTRY?

''Life's tough... it's even tougher if you're stupid.'' - John Wayne

I Went Fishing with Jack Daniels

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on my fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.