FishTales

On her book tour, Sarah Palin is invited to meet with the Pope while he is vacationing north of Rome in Venice. The liberal press reluctantly watches the semi-private audience, hoping they will be able to allot minimal coverage, if any.

The Pope asks Governor Palin to join him on a Gondola ride through the canals of Venice. They're admiring the sights and agreeing on moral issues when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. The gondolier starts to reach for the Pontiff's cap with his pole, but this move threatens to overturn the floating craft. Sarah waves the tour guide off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry." She steps off the gondola onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Pope's hat, bends over and picks it up. She walks back across the water to the gondola and steps aboard. She hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence. The next morning the topic of conversation among Democrats in Congress, CBS News, NBC News, ABC News, CNN, the New York Times, Hollywood celebrities, and in France and Germany is: "Palin Can't Swim."

EXTREME TAXIDERMY.

If you have wondered whether or not Cap marches to the tune of a "different drummer", this very true little story should assure you that you were right to wonder, and that yes indeed, he in fact does.

In my home there hangs a total of seven taxidermist mounts of large, handsome, trophy size fresh water fish; Walleyes, Northern, Splake, and Small Mouth Bass. All caught out of Dogtooth Lake. (More mounts out in the barn.) Besides those seven, there are two other fishing mounts hanging in my house; one is 47 inches long and the other is 54 inches long. Nice sizes, huh?

But those two are not of the edible kind. Both of them are very old, very distressed, and unusual fish-like in appearance that I snagged and brought boatside while deep water fishing for Walleyes. Caught 'em about three years apart, brought them home, let them dry out over the winter in my workshop. Then wire brushed them, wiped them clean, and put several coats of spray sealer on them.

Wrote a descriptive plate of where on Dogtooth Lake that I caught them, along with other pertinent details of the two fine catches. Rigged them for display hanging--one now hangs above the door in my study, the other hangs suspended from the ceiling in the guest bedroom. Both caught on 8# test line using a #8 Kahle hook, both out of deep water. Each of the rascals, because of their shape and where they were hooked, and how they moved, had me fooled on the way up thinking that I had a monster fish as I 'played' them carefully lest they broke the line or pulled the hook.

And so I now ask you: Where is it written that the only thing you should mount must be a living fish? I say that mounting a true 'experience' is right up there with mounting just one more big fish, of which I already have too many. So put your wee tiny drum of conformity down, while I prance around to one that is louder and more meaningful. (At least to me!)

Yes, these two monsters are what is left of a large tree after what has to be decades of decomposition laying in deep areas of a truly cold water lake. They may at one time been driftwood, but when hauled to the surface the rotten wood was so water logged and fragile that they weighed twice their normal weight!

CAP

YOU SCRATCH YOUR HEAD AND WONDER.

She likes stark white empty walls. To me walls empty of pics, books, knick-knacks and fish mounts are a terrible waste of space.

She snores. I listen.

I drink beer. She calls me a beer-a-holic as she slugs down wine.

She loves snow. I consider it a curse of nature.

I adore big band music. She can't stand it and blasts rock.

To me, fishing is what it is all about. In her silly mind it is dirt-dobbing in a garden.

Rare dead cow and a baked potato makes a choice meal. She runs for soy beans and salads when a steak goes on the BBQ.

She simply adores her 4 x 4 Ranger. I prefer my Le Sabre sedan.

She is a computer guru. I am a computer klutz.

I am a bit of a math whiz. She is never quite sure if 2 plus 2 equals 3 or 5.

She breaks things. I fix things.

Now any reasonable person would about now start to wonder "What has held these two people together in a close 24/7 monogamous relationship for going onto 30 years. That makes no sense!" Well, I will put their mind at ease so that they can go find something more important to occupy their time. (I suggest a few cold ones, can't miss with them.) There is a four-letter word that is way too often used and misused by folks who haven't got a clue what it really means. We found out the true meaning of it a long time ago. The word is LOVE.

As in TRUE LOVE. (Now go pop a cold one!)
CAP

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Oh, and in closing. Is there any truth that they have cut off the electricity to your mansion because of overuse? Or that your unemployment checks have run out? If so, am sure that the nearest Pawn Shop would advance you maybe a few dollars on your private jet, seeing as how the EPA prohibited you from buying any more fuel for it. That was so unfair of them, you were only using a few hundred gallons of fuel per week.

Finally, a thought that might help you continue to build your popularity. In downtown Grantsburg we have a new restaurant that has been opened by some nice Arabs that they call the Shortaban. (Catchy name, they might go far.) They are looking for a tall strong man like you to walk up and down our Main street wearing a sandwich board that advertises the restaurant. Am sure they would let you put a small ad to sell your books at the bottom of each side. (I mention that because I understand only two of your books have sold since the big whoop-de-do in Scandinavia.)

Do let me know on that, and include a couple 8 x 10 photos of yourself. The boys down at the Rainbow bar say they need a new target for the dart board. The one of Jimmy Carter is all in tatters.

Cap'n Dee

Great Orators of the Democrat Party

'One man with courage makes a majority.' - Andrew Jackson

'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.' - Franklin D. Roosevelt

'The buck stops here.' - Harry S. Truman

'Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.'
- John F. Kennedy

And, from today's genius Democrats...

'It depends what your definition of 'Sex' is?'' - Bill Clinton

'That Obama... I would like to cut his NUTS off.' - Jesse Jackson

'Those rumors are false... I believe in the sanctity of marriage.' - John Edwards

'I invented the Internet' - Al Gore

'The next Person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their butt' - Joe Biden

'America is.... is no longer, uh, what it... it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was... uh, and I say to myself, 'uh, I don't want that future, uh, uh for my children.' - Barack Obama

'I have campaigned in all 57 states. - Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)

'You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats.' - Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)

'Paying taxes is voluntary.' - Sen. Harry Reid

'Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he.' - Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)

HOW LUCKY CAN WE BE TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR ONCE GREAT COUNTRY?

''Life's tough... it's even tougher if you're stupid.'' - John Wayne

I Went Fishing with Jack Daniels

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on my fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

FLIRTING
(Not A "Fish Tale", A BEAR-Tale!)

'Flirting' is what my outside thermometer has been doing for the past few days. 'Flirting' with hitting a high temperature for the day of 50 degrees. Never quite getting there, reaching maybe 48 or 49 before the shadows get long and it plunges back below freezing for the night. But with what effort it has made, almost all the snow is gone, and for the first time since early last November we see bare ground again.

Of course the huge banks of snow left by the snow plow are still there, as are remnants of the big seven-foot pile that was created by sliding off the metal barn roof all winter. But they also will soon bite the dust. (Oh, how sad that will make me. <wink>)

While I am now flirting with another bird-feeder disaster by not taking down my rather large homemade three foot roofed feeder that has not only fed birds of many specie over the winter, but has also provided me with endless hours of enjoyment as they vie for food. What I spend for months of bird food over the course of an entire winter is probably less than what some city folks blow in a couple hours at some over-priced restaurant. Or rip-off bar.... (Better them than I, no hangover!)

But now I am once again forced to decide whether to quit feeding my feathered friends, or leave the feeder up until some hungry sow with cubs, or ravenous three year old youngster, comes along and once again takes it down for me. A three year old isn't nearly as destructive as one of the sows with several newborn young cubs, fresh out of hibernation, as far as how much trouble can be caused.

Last year we had only four spring bears roaming around our place. A sow with two cubs and one three year old. But the year before, 2008, we had NINE different bears that spent a good part of the spring with us. Two sows, each with three cubs, one with newborns and the other with her 2007 cubs, amongst the nine hungry critters.

We know just about where these bears den up each winter on the wild & wooded far East end of our property, but we leave them alone, make no effort to disturb them after they den up. Simply because we WANT them to move freely around our place each year, and we keep the property well posted with No Hunting signs. We truly enjoy their company, make NO effort to feed or encourage them, just let things flow as nature means it to be.

For many years I have 'talked' to bears face to face. (Usually ONLY single bears about 3 or 4 years old.) Couple times from a distance of only 20 or 30 feet. And we got along just fine. But now, having reached what 'some folks' might call my 'old age', that has come to an end. Just in case some bear-retard thinks that I am perhaps edible. I recognize that I would be flirting with disaster to start a conversation with what might turn out to be a grumpy and hungry bear, simply because I can't run near as fast as I once could! So now I just watch the critters from inside of the house. Let 'em find some other bear to talk to!

CAP 3/15/10