O.K., up front I admit that sometimes I have a weird sense of humor. Some postings under this button will be straight out of the back recesses of my mind. Others may be a "forward" someone sent me by E-mail that made me chuckle, and I felt was worth sharing. But when you click on THIS button, do so with an open mind. Because I freely poke fun at everything and everyone. Including myself. (Equal opportunity, you know... !)
Fish
Tales
Tales
WHAT A NEIGHBOR DISCOVERED ABOUT LIZARDS!
Here's what happened, he said: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!)
.
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just, just . . . Excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laughed loudly. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that… I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . Its... Teeny little ... " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. Two lizards: $140. One cage: $50. Trip to the vet: $30. Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!
Here's what happened, he said: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!)
.
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just, just . . . Excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laughed loudly. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that… I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . Its... Teeny little ... " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. Two lizards: $140. One cage: $50. Trip to the vet: $30. Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert.
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.
The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.
Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, and has wild and insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.
The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.
Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, and has wild and insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."
SIGH.
When she sent this one to me, I replied: "HA! Just as I suspected! Women belong in the kitchen, barefoot & pregnant!" (Hmmm... wonder where I can find a pillow to use on the sofa tonight...)
Cap.
HOW TO TELL A BUSINESSMAN FROM A BUSINESSWOMAN
A businessman is aggressive; a businesswoman is pushy.
A businessman is good on details; she is picky.
He loses his temper because he's so involved in his job; she is bitchy.
When he is depressed (or hung-over), everyone tiptoes past his office; she is moody, so it must be her time of the month.
He follows through; she doesn't know when to quit.
He's confident; she's conceited.
He stands firm; she's impossible to deal with.
He is firm; she is hard.
His judgments are her prejudices.
He drinks because of the excessive job pressure; she's a lush.
He isn't afraid to say what he thinks; she's mouthy.
He's close-mouthed; she's secretive.
He climbed the ladder to success; she slept her way to the top.
He is a stern taskmaster; she's hard to work for.
He is witty; she is sarcastic.
When she sent this one to me, I replied: "HA! Just as I suspected! Women belong in the kitchen, barefoot & pregnant!" (Hmmm... wonder where I can find a pillow to use on the sofa tonight...)
Cap.
HOW TO TELL A BUSINESSMAN FROM A BUSINESSWOMAN
A businessman is aggressive; a businesswoman is pushy.
A businessman is good on details; she is picky.
He loses his temper because he's so involved in his job; she is bitchy.
When he is depressed (or hung-over), everyone tiptoes past his office; she is moody, so it must be her time of the month.
He follows through; she doesn't know when to quit.
He's confident; she's conceited.
He stands firm; she's impossible to deal with.
He is firm; she is hard.
His judgments are her prejudices.
He drinks because of the excessive job pressure; she's a lush.
He isn't afraid to say what he thinks; she's mouthy.
He's close-mouthed; she's secretive.
He climbed the ladder to success; she slept her way to the top.
He is a stern taskmaster; she's hard to work for.
He is witty; she is sarcastic.
A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching
channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his wife.
"For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says. "You already know
how to play golf!"
channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his wife.
"For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says. "You already know
how to play golf!"
THE DIFFERENCE!!!
1. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
2. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
1. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
2. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
2. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
1. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
2. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
1. A woman has the last word in any argument.
2. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
1. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
2. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
2. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
1. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
2. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
1. A woman will dress up to go shopping, go to the gym, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
2. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
1. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
2. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
1. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
2. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house...
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
1. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
2. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
1. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
2. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
2. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
1. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
2. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
1. A woman has the last word in any argument.
2. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
1. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
2. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
2. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
1. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
2. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
1. A woman will dress up to go shopping, go to the gym, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
2. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
1. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
2. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
1. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
2. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house...
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
FINALLY. A SENSIBLE AIRPORT SOLUTION!
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.
Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you. Instead, it will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
It would be a win-win for everyone and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling. This method would also eliminate long and expensive trials. Justice would be well served, sure and quick. Case closed!
This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now... You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers. We now have a seat available on flight number..."
Works for me!
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.
Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you. Instead, it will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
It would be a win-win for everyone and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling. This method would also eliminate long and expensive trials. Justice would be well served, sure and quick. Case closed!
This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now... You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers. We now have a seat available on flight number..."
Works for me!
The Hotel Bill
My wife and I were traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.
I exploded and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared, listened to me, and then explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them," I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager was unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay. I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But sir, this check is only made out for $50.00."
'That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with Senior Citizens
My wife and I were traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.
I exploded and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared, listened to me, and then explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them," I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager was unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay. I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But sir, this check is only made out for $50.00."
'That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with Senior Citizens
The navy chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name?"
"Paul," the new seaman replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker. I am to be referred to only as "Chief." Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye, Chief!"
"Good! Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The new seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is Paul Darling, Chief."
"OK, Paul, here's what I want you to do...."
"Paul," the new seaman replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker. I am to be referred to only as "Chief." Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye, Chief!"
"Good! Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The new seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is Paul Darling, Chief."
"OK, Paul, here's what I want you to do...."
A man goes out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting on a golf ball. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, huh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever frateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.
"And that is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin. So help me, or my name is not Tiger Woods."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, huh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever frateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.
"And that is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin. So help me, or my name is not Tiger Woods."
